to anyone i've called a gimp

i'm sorry. i guess i just never understood how frusterating it is to not have full control over your body. to stephy when her back was out, i'm sorry. to master blake when he broke his leg, i'm sorry. to skye when she sprained her ankle, i'm sorry. to elmo when he broke his arm, i'm sorry.

and please don't make fun of me trying to get around on crutches.

the freshmaker

my roommate and i decided, because we're so sneaky and smart, we are going to create a video game called "ditch 'em". the whole point would be to ditch that stupid friend that no one likes. you know who i'm talking about.

one would be able to choose different lies and excape routes. faster excapes would earn you money so you could purchase better get-a-way vehicles (from skateboards to bikes to cars) and gives you better lying skills. for extra sneaky moves, there would also be a special mentos button.

only a mr. bungle would do that

it's just strange how much things have changed.

it used to be the norm when a giant bar of soap wearing a shirt and socks (but no pants) would come into your bedroom in the middle of the night to lecture you on personal hygiene.

those were the days...

the power corporations have over society

story time:

while playing video games, three friends of mine decided that burger king sounded like a great idea. or, rather, the prego lady decided that she needed burger king or there would be bloody bodies strewn about.

so she and an escort went off to the nearest one, 15 miles away, leaving her man to continue playing video games. 15 minutes later, the friend left behind to shoot aliens in halo realized how hungry he was and how great the chicken club sandwiches coming his way sounded. and proceeded to get a little chub.

and that's all he could think about until they returned and by then, there was no hiding.

i just want a clean bowl for cereal

last night i received an education from my dear friend's soon-to-be husband.

he taught me all about various torture devices that may help me motivate my roommates to do the dishes.

including:

• the cat of nine tails
• bamboo shoots
• jacob's chair
• the wheel
• the pear (my personal favorite)


i suggest checking them out

not because they can fly

i envy birds. if they don't like someone, they can poop on them.